Supporting children in coping with the death of loved one can be a great challenge. Many people find themselves uncomfortable, upset, or distressed about how best to communicate with a grieving child. As an art therapist, I have on many occasions helped family members and other caregivers integrate techniques that can help guide children through this difficult time.
Explaining Death to Children
When explaining death to children, it is important to be clear and open, yet not necessarily overly detailed. Research has shown that children who are told in an honest and appropriate way about the death of a loved one and are encouraged to ask questions and express their feelings are better equipped to cope with these situations.
Saying Goodbye
If there is an opportunity prior to the death, it is beneficial to provide a forum for closure. This can often be achieved by scheduling a visit for the child to say goodbye to the sick person. When planning a visit, bear in mind the following:
· It should be the child’s choice whether the visit takes place.
· The child should be properly prepared for what he may see, smell and hear. One helpful technique is to take pictures of the hospital or hospice room, and any medical equipment. It is important to allow the child to ask questions related to what he will experience.
· It is advisable to keep the visit short (no longer than fifteen minutes) and one should remain in the room with the child throughout the visit.
· Following the visit, it is important to help the child process the experience.
Explaining what happened
It is critical that a child learn of the death of a loved one directly from a parent or caregiver. The child should be informed of the death as soon as possible to avoid the risk of overhearing the information in passing. One way to explain death is, “when a person dies, his body stops working, his heart stops beating and he cannot breathe, eat or talk.” (Phrases such as “went to sleep,” “passed away,” or simply stating, “went to live with Hashem” are not recommended. Although these terms are well intentioned, their vague nature can potentially confuse younger children.) In conjunction with explaining the death of the physical body, one can then explain that the person’s neshamah lives on in olam habah.
Expressing Feelings
It is extremely important to encourage children to share and express their feelings. It is beneficial for children to see that the caregiver is also sad and grieving, as this allows them to feel free to grieve. Encourage questions. For example, say to the child, “Some days I feel very sad that … died, sometimes I also feel very angry. How are you feeling today?” Validate the child’s response. Be aware that children may feel a degree of responsibility for the death and need to be reassured that their actions or behavior did not in any way cause the death.
Children Grieve in Spurts
It is typical for children to come in and out of grief. Their behavior may vary greatly day to day or even minute to minute, crying for a few minutes and then playing happily. Allow children “time out” from grief and encourage them to play and have fun. Although it may seem counterintuitive, fluctuating emotions enable children to distance themselves from overwhelming feelings.
Memories
“Memory making” can help create a positive outlet for the emotions associated with the death of a loved one. There are numerous approaches that can be used in employing this technique with children. It is important to include the child in choosing how they would like to create these memories. For example, one activity could be a memory box where they incorporate photos and mementos of their time with the loved one. Another technique is drawing a picture for or writing a letter to the loved one who has died.
Helping Children Deal with Terror in Modern Israel
Unfortunately, in modern Israel, children may be affected by the trauma associated with terror situations. The basic principles listed below, some of which have been previously noted, can help children deal with terror situations.
· Be honest, though not overly detailed.
· It is best if children hear about terror events from a family member first.
· Encourage questions, open dialogue, and expression of feelings.
· Keep in mind that while children need a forum for experiencing the associated negative feelings such as fear and sadness, it is important for them to concurrently play and have fun to help them cope with these challenging experiences.
· After the terror event, it is important for children to process the experience. Often times, non-verbal methods such as art, music, play, or drama are helpful.
· Prepare children for situations that may trigger the memory of a terror-related situation. For example, while the sound of the siren on Yom Hazikaron does not in itself pose any danger, it may evoke fear for children who recall the siren from last year’s war.
Summary
With proper support, most children demonstrate resilience and are able to cope with death in a healthy way. However, in some circumstances, professional support may be required. Significant behavioral changes to look out for include, but are not limited to: sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and withdrawal from usual activities and friends. May we only be zoche to besurot tovot.
Bình luận